Light Up My Life

Festivities over for now. Back to the grind from today.

I now have three strings of toonie bulbs, one of which I bought for myself on Diwali. I got two more bunches as a belated, yet thoughtful birthday gift from Uncle Sam. It's really fantastic because these tiny bulbs make any room look nice and quaint. When I have a house of my own, one room will be exclusively lit up with many many strings of twinkling toonie bulbs. This room will also have glass top tables, and strings of small mirrors. This is the room in which I will sit and play my guitar. When I have learnt to play, that is.

Somewhere deep inside, a part of me has died. I never imagined such a thing could happen to me, but I believe it has. I have changed; and that is something I'm going to have to live with, for the rest of my life. I recently learnt about the Korean ethos of Han, which is supposed to symbolise all the anger, frustration and sadness that gradually builds up within an individual. According to Korean tradition, this kind of 'knotted Han', that is stuck deep within one's heart, can only be purged through the shamanistic ritual of Gut. Gut is a trance-like phase of spiritual cleansing, where in some cases, the individual moves from his/her present world of suffering, to another world of goodness and light. I have found my Han. But I am doomed to a consciousness that is unaware of this method of purging. This kind of suffering is frightening, because it is inexplicable. I cannot speak of it, I cannot describe it. I can only feel it. I can only try to fight it. But I already feel defeated.

Afterthought

I hadn't realised it was so easy to take one's own life. To wake up one morning and observe unflinchingly that I am no more. To keep a brave front when all your hopes and all the dreams that you had carefully conjured descend upon you, almost vengefully, as if to seek justice. Why dream, if you have not the courage to try and change them to reality? I fear this sort of melancholia-driven insanity. I am aware that there are people in this world whose sufferings easily encompass my commonplace notions of sadness and hopelessness. But I thought life was a full circle. I thought it was never too late to go back to the start. You have shocked me. You have disturbed a belief that was so deeply entrenched in my heart, that I was half-convinced of being infallible. I hope you're happy, wherever you are. I hope you don't regret what you have done.

Am I standing in the eye of a whirlwind of decadent human relationships? I think not. There is hope for the future. There always will be. Because if hope goes, I go too.

Ripped my jeans today. Slit right across the right knee. The kind of rip that is supposed to look cool. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. :(

Bittersweet 21st. Wish I could go back in time, though. Just this once. Everything would be all right then.

Second

I just wanted to slow down a little. And experience all that I had slowly taught myself to do without. Probably because somewhere down the line, I really felt like I wasn't worth it. And then came hope. Followed by disappointment. And hope again. And again, disappointment. And this is how life will go on, I guess. I'll keep looking. And noone will ever find me.